22 May 2008

Insecurity...Personal Musings

I have been wondering over the last few days about all manner of things as there are some big decisions to made over the next couple of weeks, particularly about the future direction of my life and by default the future of my better half and the kid (who will not be on the scene until late November but nonetheless affected by the decisions made now).

My position has not really changed over the last couple of weeks and I just do not see myself in Indonesia past the end of the year. The "big" meeting of the other week seemed to go well. I was asked to supply a bullet point outline of where I see things going over the next couple of years, which I did, but have heard nothing in return about that. So, I am not sure that this is a good thing or a bad thing.

I have been looking around and asking questions of people, as one does when you are making life changing decisions, about what I am worth and how hard is the hard ball I should play on this. It would seem that I am worth a lot more than I am currently working at. However, all these things are subjective and in the end you are only worth as much as someone is prepared to pay you. It is with this in mind that I do not think that I will be able to wiggle my true value in my current circumstances. So, much so that I must admit that I have not even broached the subject of what value I feel I am worth.

As is the way in Indonesia (and most other places as well) this is a negotiation and one that I am not particularly keen to start. Therefore, we are doing this merry little dance of going round and round in circles as I wait for them to make an offer so that I can gauge what they think I am worth and they in turn are waiting for me to see what I think I am worth. Ultimately, nothing happens.

The work stuff aside...the insecurity relates to things that are way into the future! Like am I going to be a good father. Others are more current and relate to things like am I being a good husband in terms of staying in Indonesia and working for so much less than I could be earning in Australia. Am I being a good husband and providing the life that my wife deserves? These questions enhance the feeling of needing to make a change in order that I feel that I am doing the things that I want to be doing and doing them right.

Sometimes I just feel that I am too selfish and only look at the little picture. So, in this time of serious re-evaluation I continue to lean towards going back to whence I came and perhaps answering some of the insecurities that I hold.

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