Keeping with the change of pace.
This is a joke that was sent to me recently. I would reckon that a "Little Johnny" search on Google will turn up thousands of jokes (I might go check it out after this post). Perhaps, even a version of this one.
Seeing that I am getting into teaching (received a scholarship for that very purpose) makes this particular joke even funnier.
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Matilda said, "My family went to the Taronga Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, Matilda, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"
Sheila raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Western Plains Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good Sheila, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."
The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence."
Little Johnny continued, "But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!"
And a bonus for those of you who enjoy Little Johnny's ability to make anything funny...
Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what’s going on. “Playing cards,” she replies. “Who’s your partner?” asked little johnny. “Your father!”
Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister’s room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. “Playing cards.” “With who?” he asks. ”My boyfriend!” she says.
A short while later, Little Johnny’s father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny’s room. He knocks on the door and asks ”What are you doing?” “Playing cards!” replied Johnny. ”Who’s your partner?” asked his father…
Little Johnny answers promptly, “With a hand like this who needs a partner?”
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
18 January 2010
"Pants on the Ground" -- General Larry Platt
I watched American Idol this morning. It is the audition rounds again. This means you get to seem some really good potential and some real shockers. It also means that you get a chance to see the weird and sometimes inspiring.
One of my favourites was General Larry Platt and a song he wrote himself "Pants on the Ground". There is not a lot going on in the song. However, it was interesting to see that Simon Cowell suggested that he had a funny feeling that the song could be a hit. Cowell might be right. The song has already been covered by Jimmy Fallon doing a Neil Young inspired version of it (awesome) and Brett Favre of the Minnesota Vikings has done a version of it post-game in the Vikings locker room.
Here are all three versions for your easy viewing pleasure.
One of my favourites was General Larry Platt and a song he wrote himself "Pants on the Ground". There is not a lot going on in the song. However, it was interesting to see that Simon Cowell suggested that he had a funny feeling that the song could be a hit. Cowell might be right. The song has already been covered by Jimmy Fallon doing a Neil Young inspired version of it (awesome) and Brett Favre of the Minnesota Vikings has done a version of it post-game in the Vikings locker room.
Here are all three versions for your easy viewing pleasure.
05 November 2009
Maria Ozawa, Miyabi, and Instant Noodles...
This post is obviously much lighter fare than the couple of posts previous. However, people with a sense of humor and photoshop skills are never boring. This is something that I found floating around the internet during my travels from here to there. I find it very amusing. Perhaps it is a case of small things amuse small minds. But, I do wish I had the photoshop skills to do these sorts of things myself.
Instant noodles usually feed quite a good proportion of the population on any one day. So, this is a very funny and excellent tongue in cheek job.
I am not sure what would be a good translation of "rasa ayam kampus". But, a loose translation would be "tastes like a campus [college] girl".
30 October 2009
Yoga...
I wonder if this is an example of tantric yoga?
I have never learned myself, but it would seem that there are some interesting positions and some hands on requirements, particularly if you find yourself in the position of teacher or Yogi.
I am sure that this photo lends itself to a pun or two.
26 October 2009
Killara High School -- A School Close to Home...
The students of Killara High School have a tradition of making an end-of-year video. This particular one, 2009, has made it onto YouTube. It is exceptional. Even though it is a spoof of the Qantas ad campaign of "I Still Call Australia Home", it says some pretty important things about the way schools are funded along with the conditions that our children have to endure as students in some schools.
The video is excellent, and it shows that, at least to me, the future is bright. There are a lot of talented students out there doing their thing. This can only be a good thing when people have the courage to explore their creativity and fulfill their potential to do, and by doing, wonderful things. To the students of Killara High School, congratulations on a job well done!
The video is available on YouTube, and I have attached it below. The first couple of minutes are the Qantas spoof. The rest of the video probably has much more relevance to the students that made it than it would to the rest of us.
The 2009 version of the "I Still Call Australia Home" Qantas video. This is an excellent version of the campaign song. It also includes the Kala Lagaw Ya dialect of the (Western) Torres Strait Islands, as sung by Tyus Arndt (just 13 years old and of the Gondwana National Indigenous Children's Choir).
Enjoy!
The video is excellent, and it shows that, at least to me, the future is bright. There are a lot of talented students out there doing their thing. This can only be a good thing when people have the courage to explore their creativity and fulfill their potential to do, and by doing, wonderful things. To the students of Killara High School, congratulations on a job well done!
The video is available on YouTube, and I have attached it below. The first couple of minutes are the Qantas spoof. The rest of the video probably has much more relevance to the students that made it than it would to the rest of us.
The 2009 version of the "I Still Call Australia Home" Qantas video. This is an excellent version of the campaign song. It also includes the Kala Lagaw Ya dialect of the (Western) Torres Strait Islands, as sung by Tyus Arndt (just 13 years old and of the Gondwana National Indigenous Children's Choir).
Enjoy!
09 February 2009
Little Girl on a Plane
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane. The stranger turned to the little girl and said, "let's talk. I have heard that flights go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What do you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" and he smiles.
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic."
But let me ask you a question first," she said.
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, grass. Yet, a dear excretes little pellets, a cow excretes flat patties, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do yo suppose that is?"
The stranger visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it for a moment and says, "hmmmm, I have no idea!"
To which the little girl replies, "do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you clearly do not know shit?"
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What do you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" and he smiles.
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic."
But let me ask you a question first," she said.
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, grass. Yet, a dear excretes little pellets, a cow excretes flat patties, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do yo suppose that is?"
The stranger visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it for a moment and says, "hmmmm, I have no idea!"
To which the little girl replies, "do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you clearly do not know shit?"
29 January 2009
The Game They Play in Heaven
This one is for all those rugby players out there who already know the answer to this question...
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,' Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Mike--Mike.'
'Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Mike--it's me, Joe.'
'You're not Joe. Joe just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,' insists the voice.'
'Joe! Where are you?'
'In heaven', replies Joe.
'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' says Mike.
The good news,' Joe says,' is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' says Mike. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So, what's the bad news?'
'You're in the team for Tuesday.'
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,' Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Mike--Mike.'
'Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Mike--it's me, Joe.'
'You're not Joe. Joe just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,' insists the voice.'
'Joe! Where are you?'
'In heaven', replies Joe.
'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' says Mike.
The good news,' Joe says,' is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' says Mike. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So, what's the bad news?'
'You're in the team for Tuesday.'
20 September 2008
Harley Davidson, Women, and God
Something that came into the inbox (from my mother of all people)...
The Harley-Davidson Facts The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...' God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?' Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' God said, 'Ah, yes.' 'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention ! 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds 3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!! 'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.' God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. 'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'. |
18 August 2008
Something To Brighten Up Your Day!
Something that came into my inbox that I thought was worth sharing!
1. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
11. Man says to his doctor 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.' The doctor says 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' So the man asks 'Is it common?' to which the doctor replies 'It's not unusual.'
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he'scross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy!'
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start.'
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you cheeky bugger!'
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
20. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more.'
With a bit of luck this post has put a smile on your dial.
1. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
11. Man says to his doctor 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.' The doctor says 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' So the man asks 'Is it common?' to which the doctor replies 'It's not unusual.'
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he'scross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy!'
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start.'
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you cheeky bugger!'
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
20. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more.'
With a bit of luck this post has put a smile on your dial.
01 August 2008
A Blonde Joke
Apologies in advance for any one that this may offend!
A Blonde goes to K-Mart to buy curtains. She said to the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.'
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains
He shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'
'Seventeen inches ?' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small, what room are they for?'
The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.'
The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains !'
The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo...I've got Windoooooows...'
A Blonde goes to K-Mart to buy curtains. She said to the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.'
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains
He shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'
'Seventeen inches ?' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small, what room are they for?'
The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.'
The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains !'
The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo...I've got Windoooooows...'
08 July 2008
Who's The Sexiest Man Alive? (A Must Read!)
Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.
Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?'
Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'
Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on the wall' to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous, and Brad Pitt was the sexiest.
They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. "Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world."
Angelina Jolie lifted her gorgeous face with a smile, "I know I am the most gorgeous."
But, Brad Pitt lifted up his sad and dejected face and said, "who the hell is Rob Baiton?!?!?!"
Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?'
Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'
Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on the wall' to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous, and Brad Pitt was the sexiest.
They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. "Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world."
Angelina Jolie lifted her gorgeous face with a smile, "I know I am the most gorgeous."
But, Brad Pitt lifted up his sad and dejected face and said, "who the hell is Rob Baiton?!?!?!"
17 June 2008
16 June 2008
Good in Bed
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an advertisement in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s);
MUST NOT BEAT ME,MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME; and
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don’t have any arms either!"
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
"Rang the doorbell didn’t I?"
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s);
MUST NOT BEAT ME,MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME; and
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don’t have any arms either!"
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
"Rang the doorbell didn’t I?"
14 June 2008
7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children
1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE . God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE . God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
22 May 2008
Smart Arse Answers
Something that came through the inbox...I found it funny and thought I would share it with anyone reading my blog...
SMART ARSE ANSWER 6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. 'What are my choices?' the man asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ARSE ANSWER 5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
SMART ARSE ANSWER 4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
SMART ARSE ANSWER 3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said. The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ARSE ANSWER 2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, he?'The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'
SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand'.
SMART ARSE ANSWER 6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. 'What are my choices?' the man asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ARSE ANSWER 5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
SMART ARSE ANSWER 4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
SMART ARSE ANSWER 3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said. The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ARSE ANSWER 2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, he?'The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'
SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand'.
09 May 2008
A Humorous Hoax...
This is not real but it is very funny, particularly if you have a sense of humor like mine. Originally, this interview was based on a supposed interview conducted in Wales. It then moved to the US. And it seems it has finally ended up in Australia.It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Another good one is this:
A couple went on a fishing vacation at a lake resort. The husband liked to fish and generally did so at first light in the morning. The wife liked to idle away her days reading.
One morning after a good couple of hours fishing the husband returned home and decided to catch a few zzzzzzzs. Although the wife was not familiar with the lake she decided to take the boat out and do some reading while rocking gently with the motion of the water.
So, the wife takes the boat out a short distance and drops anchor. She then proceeds to read her book in peace. After a very short while, up comes the local water coppers and they demand to know what she is doing in this part of the lake as it is a restricted fishing zone.
Somewhat incredulously she states what to her seems the obvious' "I am reading my book!"
Sensing his opportunity the water copper decides to press his advantage and repeat that this is a restricted fishing zone and he would have to write her a ticket because the boat contained all the necessary equipment for fishing. In spite of her protestations that she was not fishing the officer persisted in that the only way was to ticket her.
However, when the water copper insisted on a ticket and without missing a beat the woman suggested to the water copper that if he was to issue the ticket then she would have to charge rape. At this point the water copper starts to protest and says but I have not touched you! But alas responds the woman "yes, but you have all the equipment to do so!"
Moral of the story -- never under estimate a woman, never under estimate her intellect, and under no circumstances engage in an argument with a woman!
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