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Showing posts with label Fun Stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fun Stuff. Show all posts
19 November 2010
23 September 2010
A Little Fun With Sunglasses...
It is funny how small things amuse small minds. But, when I saw this picture again I found myself once again shaking my head because I would never have thought about a connection between sunglasses breast size and over-compensation linking the two.
I have posted this picture before.
17 July 2010
Who Do You Write Like?
First, my thanks to Jakartass for pointing me in the direction of this site (and there is a review here). The site lets you past in some text that you have written and then instantaneously spits out a name of who you write like. I am not sure how serious it is, or how accurate it can be.
But, I delved deep into my archive of blog posts and chose a few to cut and paste into the analyzer. Apparently, I write like:
I guess if I posted some more examples into the analyzer I might come up with some additional writers who I write like. Nevertheless, I see to be in pretty good company so far. But, when it is all said and done, I am happy to be me and write like me.
Give it a go!
But, I delved deep into my archive of blog posts and chose a few to cut and paste into the analyzer. Apparently, I write like:
I guess if I posted some more examples into the analyzer I might come up with some additional writers who I write like. Nevertheless, I see to be in pretty good company so far. But, when it is all said and done, I am happy to be me and write like me.
Give it a go!
29 September 2009
Did You Know...Revisited
And, now for something a little lighter than the fare of the past...
Did you know that
1. the poisonous copperhead snake smells like fresh cut cucumbers;
2. the poison-arrow frog has enough poison to kill about 2,200 people;
3. more than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a phone call;
4. an iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes;
5. Some lions mate over 50 times a day; and
6. the youngest pope was eleven years old.
Have a nice day!
13 July 2009
Even More Trivia -- Fun Only (Still)...
Did you know any of the following:
1. An average four-year-old child asks 437 questions every day;
2. Every year, the Moon moves away from the earth a distance of 3.82cm;
3. That the Guinness Book of Records holds the record for the book most often stolen from public libraries;
4. Mageiricophobia is the fear of cooking;
5. The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows;
6. Tuna suffocate if they stop swimming;
7. Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only 206 bones;
8. The modern flushing toilet was invented by Thomas Crapper; and
9. The King of Hearts is the only king without a moustache.
Enjoy!
12 July 2009
Some More Trivia -- Fun Only!
Did you know any of the following:
1. Only female ducks can quack;
2. It takes 17 muscles to smile and 43 muscles to frown;
3. No two spider webs are the same;
4. The average human body contains enough phosphorous to make 2,200 match heads;
5. Brontology is the study of thunder;
6. Fingernails grow faster on your favoured hand;
7. In ancient Rome, oysters were sold for their weight in gold;
8. Strawberries contain more vitamin C than oranges; and,
9. The tongue is the fastest healing part of the body.
Enjoy!
1. Only female ducks can quack;
2. It takes 17 muscles to smile and 43 muscles to frown;
3. No two spider webs are the same;
4. The average human body contains enough phosphorous to make 2,200 match heads;
5. Brontology is the study of thunder;
6. Fingernails grow faster on your favoured hand;
7. In ancient Rome, oysters were sold for their weight in gold;
8. Strawberries contain more vitamin C than oranges; and,
9. The tongue is the fastest healing part of the body.
Enjoy!
11 July 2009
Some Trivia -- Fun Only!
Did you know any of the following?
1. The human brain is about 85% water;
2. The average human body makes enough carbon for about 900 pencils;
3. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven times (I have posted this one before! But, I post it again because I am sure someone will try and prove that it can be done);
4. 23% of all photocopier faults are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their bums;
5. The average human body contains enough potassium to fire a toy canon;
6. A starfish does not have a brain; and,
7. Swans are the only birds with penises.
I hope this trivia comes in handy some day.
1. The human brain is about 85% water;
2. The average human body makes enough carbon for about 900 pencils;
3. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven times (I have posted this one before! But, I post it again because I am sure someone will try and prove that it can be done);
4. 23% of all photocopier faults are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their bums;
5. The average human body contains enough potassium to fire a toy canon;
6. A starfish does not have a brain; and,
7. Swans are the only birds with penises.
I hope this trivia comes in handy some day.
28 June 2009
Trivia -- Interesting Facts...
It has been a while since I posted some interesting, or not, piece of trivia. Generally, these tid bits are only every going to be useful in games like trivial pursuit or Jeopardy or maybe Who Wants to be a Millionaire. But, they are fun.
Did you know any of the following:
1. That each year insects eat one third of the world's food crop;
2. That human thighbones are as strong as concrete;
3. That apples, not caffeine are better at waking you up in the morning;
4. That the evidence of a bloodhound is admissible in an American court of law;
5. That a raisin in a glass of champagne will float to the top and then sink to the bottom over and over again;
6. That the average human body contains enough iron to make a 7.62cm nail;
7. That bulletproof vests, fire escapes, laser printers, and windscreen wipers were all invented by women;
8. That the first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, and was used by Egyptians as early as 2000 BC;
and,
9. That the human brain generates more electrical impulses in a day than all of the world's telephones combined.
Enjoy!
Did you know any of the following:
1. That each year insects eat one third of the world's food crop;
2. That human thighbones are as strong as concrete;
3. That apples, not caffeine are better at waking you up in the morning;
4. That the evidence of a bloodhound is admissible in an American court of law;
5. That a raisin in a glass of champagne will float to the top and then sink to the bottom over and over again;
6. That the average human body contains enough iron to make a 7.62cm nail;
7. That bulletproof vests, fire escapes, laser printers, and windscreen wipers were all invented by women;
8. That the first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, and was used by Egyptians as early as 2000 BC;
and,
9. That the human brain generates more electrical impulses in a day than all of the world's telephones combined.
Enjoy!
16 October 2008
Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride
I was surfing around earlier today and came across this gem from 1894. It is an instruction manual of sorts and it is a fantastic read for anyone contemplating marriage or those already married trying to make sense of what is going on. I attach it in full for your reading pleasure, enjoy!
INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE
To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolising her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.
At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
On the other hand, the bride’s terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it.
It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.
Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.
Feigned illness, sleepiness and headaches are among the wife’s best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction.
Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.
By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband at home.
Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.
Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.
A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practised only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton night-gowns for themselves and pyjamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.
Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.
When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.
If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.
If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.
Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists in having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pyjamas to thus make connection.
She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while he is huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more.
One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband’s home, school, church and social environment have been working together all through his life to instil in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband’s desire for sexual expression.
© copyright 1894 The Madison Institute.
The Bule Factor
Kind of like fear factor but only funnier. I had been tossing up whether to post this recent experience of last Monday. Not for any particular reason other than perhaps some people will not see the "funny" in this one.
Besides there has been a little bit of bule bashing going on in the Indonesian blogosphere of late. Hold on, it goes on all the time. It won't be long and there will be three certainties in life; death, taxes, and bule bashing in the Indonesian blogosphere.
Most people I think make to big of a deal of the whole bule thing. If people don't like what I blog about or my opinions of things, then that is their right. The want to verbally bash me through their blog or on mine, so be it!
Nah, back to the bule factor story.
The wife and I are now onto a fortnightly check-up routine for the pregnancy. So, every two weeks we make the trip to the hospital. Generally, we do the check which is a USG then go to the pharmacy to get whatever the doctor prescribes. After that it is off to do some shopping, proper or window, doesn't matter. We have lunch and then head home and I head off to work.
Anyways, we were sitting in the waiting room, funnily enough waiting for the doctor to arrive. We were sitting across from a woman and her pregnant daughter. The woman engages the wife in some conversation. I am translating stuff so I am tapping away on the laptop.
It is always fun for me to sit back and watch Indonesians assume that I do not speak Indonesian. It is also a good way to avoid having to talk to people as I can just whack on the blank stare look and then they give up.
The conversation was all pretty much small talk until this pearler came bubbling forth, " dapat bule dimana?" Essentially, "so, where did you get the white guy?" I almost fell out of my seat and had to do everything that I could to control myself. I was not angry, upset, or offended, rather I was doing everything that I could to not burst out laughing. I am sure the wife knew what was going on and the question is probably more tiresome for her than it is funny for me.
I was sitting there like an attentive school kid ready to put his hand up in order to answer this super question.
Some of the possible answers that crossed my mind were, "Bu, there was this competition that I entered and the first prize was a bule" or "Wah, it was a little difficult but I ordered him through an online catalogue but they wouldn't courier him so I had to go to Australia and pick him up. He looks a little different in real life than he did in the catalogue!" or "he was just wondering around lost on the street so I took him home and fed him and then he would not leave".
I think the question was generic and harmless and nothing sinister was meant by it. It is just funny to hear it and then think about the possible answers I could have used.
It did make my day though! Perhaps it is a case of small things amusing small minds.
Besides there has been a little bit of bule bashing going on in the Indonesian blogosphere of late. Hold on, it goes on all the time. It won't be long and there will be three certainties in life; death, taxes, and bule bashing in the Indonesian blogosphere.
Most people I think make to big of a deal of the whole bule thing. If people don't like what I blog about or my opinions of things, then that is their right. The want to verbally bash me through their blog or on mine, so be it!
Nah, back to the bule factor story.
The wife and I are now onto a fortnightly check-up routine for the pregnancy. So, every two weeks we make the trip to the hospital. Generally, we do the check which is a USG then go to the pharmacy to get whatever the doctor prescribes. After that it is off to do some shopping, proper or window, doesn't matter. We have lunch and then head home and I head off to work.
Anyways, we were sitting in the waiting room, funnily enough waiting for the doctor to arrive. We were sitting across from a woman and her pregnant daughter. The woman engages the wife in some conversation. I am translating stuff so I am tapping away on the laptop.
It is always fun for me to sit back and watch Indonesians assume that I do not speak Indonesian. It is also a good way to avoid having to talk to people as I can just whack on the blank stare look and then they give up.
The conversation was all pretty much small talk until this pearler came bubbling forth, " dapat bule dimana?" Essentially, "so, where did you get the white guy?" I almost fell out of my seat and had to do everything that I could to control myself. I was not angry, upset, or offended, rather I was doing everything that I could to not burst out laughing. I am sure the wife knew what was going on and the question is probably more tiresome for her than it is funny for me.
I was sitting there like an attentive school kid ready to put his hand up in order to answer this super question.
Some of the possible answers that crossed my mind were, "Bu, there was this competition that I entered and the first prize was a bule" or "Wah, it was a little difficult but I ordered him through an online catalogue but they wouldn't courier him so I had to go to Australia and pick him up. He looks a little different in real life than he did in the catalogue!" or "he was just wondering around lost on the street so I took him home and fed him and then he would not leave".
I think the question was generic and harmless and nothing sinister was meant by it. It is just funny to hear it and then think about the possible answers I could have used.
It did make my day though! Perhaps it is a case of small things amusing small minds.
09 October 2008
Punctuation
I teach a couple of legal drafting classes in local universities and law firms. I do not use the following as an example. Nevertheless, it illustrates a very important point.
Punctuation makes all the difference in terms of intent and meaning.
An English professor wrote the words:
"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Interesting.
Punctuation makes all the difference in terms of intent and meaning.
An English professor wrote the words:
"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Interesting.
03 October 2008
Followers
I have added this widget thingy-mi-jig in the side bar for followers.
I noticed that I had a follower. I am not really proactive in these things and I would not have noticed but I entered through the dashboard this morning and saw I had a follower.
So, I thought I had better check out what a follower was to make sure that I was not being cyber-stalked or something!
Thanks Gracia for being the first.
I noticed that I had a follower. I am not really proactive in these things and I would not have noticed but I entered through the dashboard this morning and saw I had a follower.
So, I thought I had better check out what a follower was to make sure that I was not being cyber-stalked or something!
Thanks Gracia for being the first.
20 September 2008
Harley Davidson, Women, and God
Something that came into the inbox (from my mother of all people)...
The Harley-Davidson Facts The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...' God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?' Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' God said, 'Ah, yes.' 'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention ! 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds 3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!! 'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.' God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. 'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'. |
06 September 2008
26 August 2008
The Night Before Christmas – Legally Speaking
To keep you all amused.
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick AKA/St. Nicholas AKA/Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional coconspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minors pursuant to the applicable provisions of the US Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick AKA/St. Nicholas AKA/Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional coconspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minors pursuant to the applicable provisions of the US Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.
18 August 2008
Something To Brighten Up Your Day!
Something that came into my inbox that I thought was worth sharing!
1. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
11. Man says to his doctor 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.' The doctor says 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' So the man asks 'Is it common?' to which the doctor replies 'It's not unusual.'
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he'scross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy!'
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start.'
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you cheeky bugger!'
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
20. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more.'
With a bit of luck this post has put a smile on your dial.
1. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
11. Man says to his doctor 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.' The doctor says 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' So the man asks 'Is it common?' to which the doctor replies 'It's not unusual.'
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he'scross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy!'
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start.'
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you cheeky bugger!'
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
20. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more.'
With a bit of luck this post has put a smile on your dial.
14 August 2008
What Olympic Sport Are You?
Thanks to Jakartass for pointing me in the right direction to take this quiz.
| You Are Fencing |
 You find having an opponent to be challenging and rewarding. You are fierce when you're in a competition, but you don't wish your rivals any real harm. |
08 July 2008
Who's The Sexiest Man Alive? (A Must Read!)
Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.
Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?'
Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'
Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on the wall' to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous, and Brad Pitt was the sexiest.
They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. "Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world."
Angelina Jolie lifted her gorgeous face with a smile, "I know I am the most gorgeous."
But, Brad Pitt lifted up his sad and dejected face and said, "who the hell is Rob Baiton?!?!?!"
Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?'
Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'
Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on the wall' to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous, and Brad Pitt was the sexiest.
They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. "Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world."
Angelina Jolie lifted her gorgeous face with a smile, "I know I am the most gorgeous."
But, Brad Pitt lifted up his sad and dejected face and said, "who the hell is Rob Baiton?!?!?!"
Nine Words Women Use...
Something that came into the inbox and well worth a read for men, you might learn something. And it is worth a read for women because they will get a little giggle out of the truth of these statements.
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3. Then you RUN!
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3. Then you RUN!
03 July 2008
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