There is always the odd "funny" that wends its way into my inbox. This is one of those. I had a little chuckle and thought it was worth sharing.
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle.
From the Daily Telegraph comes this story of a Sydney couple
who drove their car to Westfield Blacktown, only to have their car break down in the
car park.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under
the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.
The NRMA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
09 November 2010
Letter of Recommendation...
This is something that came into the inbox today. I have no idea where it originated, but if there is someone out there who does, then I am more than happy to credit it where credit is due.
It is very clever and very funny. I wonder if, with a bit of thought and effort, I could be this clever.
Enjoy!
1 Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
*Addendum*
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
It is very clever and very funny. I wonder if, with a bit of thought and effort, I could be this clever.
Enjoy!
LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
1 Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
*Addendum*
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
15 August 2010
Welsh Cows (and Women)...
This is something that came into my email inbox over the past 24 hours. Some explanation may be required, then again may be not. I carry a British Passport courtesy of my Welsh heritage.
So, to all my Welsh family and friends, I hope you get a chuckle out of this like I did.
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.
They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced
lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so
they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the
bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away
from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..
The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was
very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.
"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they
had brought the cow over from Wales .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?
"The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye.
"My wife is from Wales "
18 January 2010
Little Johnny -- Fascinate...
Keeping with the change of pace.
This is a joke that was sent to me recently. I would reckon that a "Little Johnny" search on Google will turn up thousands of jokes (I might go check it out after this post). Perhaps, even a version of this one.
Seeing that I am getting into teaching (received a scholarship for that very purpose) makes this particular joke even funnier.
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Matilda said, "My family went to the Taronga Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, Matilda, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"
Sheila raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Western Plains Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good Sheila, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."
The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence."
Little Johnny continued, "But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!"
And a bonus for those of you who enjoy Little Johnny's ability to make anything funny...
Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what’s going on. “Playing cards,” she replies. “Who’s your partner?” asked little johnny. “Your father!”
Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister’s room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. “Playing cards.” “With who?” he asks. ”My boyfriend!” she says.
A short while later, Little Johnny’s father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny’s room. He knocks on the door and asks ”What are you doing?” “Playing cards!” replied Johnny. ”Who’s your partner?” asked his father…
Little Johnny answers promptly, “With a hand like this who needs a partner?”
This is a joke that was sent to me recently. I would reckon that a "Little Johnny" search on Google will turn up thousands of jokes (I might go check it out after this post). Perhaps, even a version of this one.
Seeing that I am getting into teaching (received a scholarship for that very purpose) makes this particular joke even funnier.
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Matilda said, "My family went to the Taronga Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, Matilda, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"
Sheila raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Western Plains Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good Sheila, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."
The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence."
Little Johnny continued, "But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!"
And a bonus for those of you who enjoy Little Johnny's ability to make anything funny...
Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what’s going on. “Playing cards,” she replies. “Who’s your partner?” asked little johnny. “Your father!”
Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister’s room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. “Playing cards.” “With who?” he asks. ”My boyfriend!” she says.
A short while later, Little Johnny’s father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny’s room. He knocks on the door and asks ”What are you doing?” “Playing cards!” replied Johnny. ”Who’s your partner?” asked his father…
Little Johnny answers promptly, “With a hand like this who needs a partner?”
Hmmmm...
A change of pace. I figured that a photo to make you smile would make an interesting change from what I have been posting of late; for you and for me.
This photo was sent to me as part of an Irish joke. It also included a sentence about it being a 'real' photograph. I am always a little weary of real photographs and the internet. The cold hard reality is that there are some real masters out there of the technology and software who can manufacture 'real' photos.
I cannot make the writing out on the street signs so the photo could really be anywhere. Maybe someone recognizes the buildings or the signs. Supposedly the footpath is the one outside the Royal Hospital in Belfast.
It is kind of funny and put a smile on my dial. People really cannot be that silly can they? Those bollards, at least one of them, must lift out and then can be replaced and then locked, right?
Oh well!
01 August 2009
One For the Lawyers...
A lawyer, instead of saying that two plus two make four, would say:
"If by that particular arithmetical rule known as addition, we desired to arrive at the sum of two integers added to two integers, we should find - and I assert this boldly, ans without fear of successful contradiction - we, I repeat, should find by the particular arithmetical formula before mentioned - and I hold myself perfectly responsible for the assertion that I am about to make - we should find that the sum of the two integers added to the two other integers would be four."
from Jokes, Quotes, and One Liners - Volume 2 by Herbert V Prochnow and Herbert V Prochnow Jr.
08 July 2009
More Australian Humour...
Q: If a magician's wand is used for cunning stunts, then what is a police officer's baton used for?
A: [use your powers of deduction on this one]
Q: What happens to a lawyer who jumps out of an airplane at 35,000ft without a parachute?
A: Who cares!
Q: How many racists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - because racists hate being enlightened.
A: [use your powers of deduction on this one]
Q: What happens to a lawyer who jumps out of an airplane at 35,000ft without a parachute?
A: Who cares!
Q: How many racists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - because racists hate being enlightened.
06 July 2009
A Nun and A Blind Man...
A nun is in the shower when there is a loud knock on the door to the convent. All the other nuns are working out in the back garden and cannot hear the knocking.
So, the showering nun calls out, "who is it?"
To which the following reply comes, "I am the blind man from town."
The nun runs down the stairs naked to open the door.
"Great tits", says the man. And then proceeds to say, "So, where do you want these blinds?"
Thought I would share this little piece of Australian humour.
So, the showering nun calls out, "who is it?"
To which the following reply comes, "I am the blind man from town."
The nun runs down the stairs naked to open the door.
"Great tits", says the man. And then proceeds to say, "So, where do you want these blinds?"
Thought I would share this little piece of Australian humour.
09 February 2009
Little Girl on a Plane
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane. The stranger turned to the little girl and said, "let's talk. I have heard that flights go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What do you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" and he smiles.
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic."
But let me ask you a question first," she said.
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, grass. Yet, a dear excretes little pellets, a cow excretes flat patties, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do yo suppose that is?"
The stranger visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it for a moment and says, "hmmmm, I have no idea!"
To which the little girl replies, "do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you clearly do not know shit?"
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What do you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" and he smiles.
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic."
But let me ask you a question first," she said.
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, grass. Yet, a dear excretes little pellets, a cow excretes flat patties, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do yo suppose that is?"
The stranger visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it for a moment and says, "hmmmm, I have no idea!"
To which the little girl replies, "do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you clearly do not know shit?"
05 January 2009
Australian Humour?
A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter Scale, has hit New Zealand this morning. The country has been devastated with 350,000 New Zealanders reported missing and more than 100,000 injured.
The country is in ruins and the government has issued a worldwide appeal for immediate assistance to respond to the unfolding humanitarian disaster. The world has been quick to respond with:
Britain flying in rescue workers and sniffer dogs to locate trapped victims; the USA flying in food supplies and aid money; France is flying in doctors, nurses, and first aid units; Japan is flying in high-tech communications equipment; Germany is flying in specially trained police units to help restore and maintain order; China is flying in tents and warm clothing; the Australian government is flying in 350,000 replacement Kiwis...
My apologies to any of my readers, especially any of my NZ readers, who do not appreciate this brand of Australian humour. However, all the Kiwis I have ever known have always given as good as they have ever received.
Just in case, this is something that came in through my inbox...
The country is in ruins and the government has issued a worldwide appeal for immediate assistance to respond to the unfolding humanitarian disaster. The world has been quick to respond with:
Britain flying in rescue workers and sniffer dogs to locate trapped victims; the USA flying in food supplies and aid money; France is flying in doctors, nurses, and first aid units; Japan is flying in high-tech communications equipment; Germany is flying in specially trained police units to help restore and maintain order; China is flying in tents and warm clothing; the Australian government is flying in 350,000 replacement Kiwis...
My apologies to any of my readers, especially any of my NZ readers, who do not appreciate this brand of Australian humour. However, all the Kiwis I have ever known have always given as good as they have ever received.
Just in case, this is something that came in through my inbox...
16 November 2008
Medical Miracles and Some Thoughts on GWB
Here's something I thought was worth sharing.
An Israeli doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another person, and have them looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another person, and have both of them looking for work in two weeks.
The doctor from Texas, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half of my country is looking for work!"
01 August 2008
A Blonde Joke
Apologies in advance for any one that this may offend!
A Blonde goes to K-Mart to buy curtains. She said to the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.'
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains
He shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'
'Seventeen inches ?' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small, what room are they for?'
The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.'
The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains !'
The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo...I've got Windoooooows...'
A Blonde goes to K-Mart to buy curtains. She said to the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.'
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains
He shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'
'Seventeen inches ?' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small, what room are they for?'
The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.'
The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains !'
The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo...I've got Windoooooows...'
31 July 2008
The Oldest British Joke
Now the following is said to be the oldest British joke and it supposedly dates back to the 10th Century.
Q: What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?
A: A key
Now how funny is that?
Q: What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?
A: A key
Now how funny is that?
08 July 2008
Who's The Sexiest Man Alive? (A Must Read!)
Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.
Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?'
Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'
Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on the wall' to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous, and Brad Pitt was the sexiest.
They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. "Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world."
Angelina Jolie lifted her gorgeous face with a smile, "I know I am the most gorgeous."
But, Brad Pitt lifted up his sad and dejected face and said, "who the hell is Rob Baiton?!?!?!"
Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?'
Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'
Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on the wall' to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous, and Brad Pitt was the sexiest.
They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. "Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world."
Angelina Jolie lifted her gorgeous face with a smile, "I know I am the most gorgeous."
But, Brad Pitt lifted up his sad and dejected face and said, "who the hell is Rob Baiton?!?!?!"
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