One For the Lawyers...

A lawyer, instead of saying that two plus two make four, would say:

"If by that particular arithmetical rule known as addition, we desired to arrive at the sum of two integers added to two integers, we should find - and I assert this boldly, ans without fear of successful contradiction - we, I repeat, should find by the particular arithmetical formula before mentioned - and I hold myself perfectly responsible for the assertion that I am about to make - we should find that the sum of the two integers added to the two other integers would be four."

from Jokes, Quotes, and One Liners - Volume 2 by Herbert V Prochnow and Herbert V Prochnow Jr.

Sexual Barrier Protection Devices.

The Internet is a great repository for all kinds of stuff that can be used as base materials for teaching. I teach the odd legal drafting, plain English legal writing, and English for Lawyers courses, and have found some more material for this subject.

A bill to be entitled

An act relating to state inmates; authorizing a nonprofit or public health care organization to distribute sexual barrier protection devices to inmates in the state correctional system; requiring the Department of Corrections to develop a plan to properly dispose of used sexual barrier protection devices; providing an effective date.

I have the Silent Majority to thank for the link.

This is a piece of legislation that is on the cards for Florida. I am actually not so much against the legislation and do not have any moral or ethical issues with the provision of sexual barrier protection devices to inmates of correctional facilities. There are good reasons for the provision of these devices, such as seeking to prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases in jails, including HIV, among others.

I was intrigued by what a sexual barrier protection device is. Unfortunately, the bill does not specify in the limited extract I have as to what might be included. It does mention condoms, but I get the distinct feeling that there is more to this than just condoms. Nevertheless, it is still a good lesson in legal drafting.

When one wants legal certainty then it pays to be specific or in this case explicit. It is worth noting that a simple Google search turns up a lot of hits for the term but not a lot of definitive answers.

Punctuation

I teach a couple of legal drafting classes in local universities and law firms. I do not use the following as an example. Nevertheless, it illustrates a very important point.

Punctuation makes all the difference in terms of intent and meaning.

An English professor wrote the words:

"A woman without her man is nothing"

on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:

"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote:

"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Interesting.

The Night Before Christmas – Legally Speaking

To keep you all amused.

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick AKA/St. Nicholas AKA/Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional coconspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minors pursuant to the applicable provisions of the US Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

Fining Lawyers

Now here is a thought!

If any bill, answers, replication, or rejoinder, shall be found of an immoderate length, both the party and the counsel under whose hand it passeth shall be fined.

Sir Francis Bacon (17th Century)

Parody -- Lawyers

Although a parody, this is a good reason why lawyers need to consider seriously adopting a plainer drafting and writing style.

The part of the first part hereinafter known as Jack, and the part of the second part hereinafter known as Jill, ascended or caused to be ascended an elevation of undetermined height and degree of slope, hereinafter referred to as "hill."

Parody from 20th Century

Plain Language

Plain language and the lawyer, a question of compatibility.

Diversionary tactics on the part of lawyers come from their fear that their expertise won't seem very special if they write it down in plain English.

Andy Rooney (1987)