These were written by a fella named David Wygant. I do not know who he is and I am too lazy to do an Internet search to find out. These six relationship breakers were written for "daters" but I figure they would apply to married couples as well.
Happy Reading!
1. Prying into private info. If you suspect your partner of betrayal, does that give you the right to start reading your partner's email? To listen to his/her voicemail messages? To hack into his/her online profile? The answer to all of these is "no!" You should never dig through your partner's personal emails or listen to your partner's voicemail messages. You should never dig through your partner's personal emails or listen to your partner's voicemail messages. By doing this, you violate not only your partner's trust, but also the trust your partner has with anyone who left those voice messages and emails.
2. Lying for the greater good. Lying is never good in a relationship, although we've probably all been guilty of doing it. Lying to your partner in an effort to avoid hurting him/her or to avoid confrontation may seem like a wise decision. Regrettably, you will end up digging a deeper hole for yourself when that lie is exposed, which is almost always inevitable. When caught in this situation, you end up hurting your partner anyway, and whatever you were trying to protect your partner from -- by lying to them -- will be even worse because of your deception. I recommend honestly communicating with your partner from the get-go.
3. Pulling a "James Bond." You should never snoop in your partner's private things (drawers, wallet, filing cabinet, or private records -- such as bank or credit card statements). Furthermore, nothing justifies snooping. No matter what you have a "hunch" about, snooping through your partner's things should never be pursued to confirm or deny your hunch. Your partner's possessions and personal records should be kept private unless he/she gives you permission to look at them. Spying on your partner is one of the most blatant violations of your partner's trust and will achieve nothing except having your partner never trust you to be alone near his/her things ever again.
4. Designating yourself "Magnum P.I." Another ill-advised way some people try to verify suspected bad behavior by their partner is to take on the role of private investigator by attempting to "catch their partner in the act" of doing something. Whether this takes the form of searching for your partner's car by driving by his/her house, work, or gym or it takes the form of following your partner in your car, this is something you should never do. Even if you have a convincing hunch that your partner is hiding something from you, stalking is the wrong way to address it. If your partner finds out you've been "tailing him/her" in your car, he/she will no longer trust you.
5. Sending others to do your dirty work. Don't ever send a friend or anyone else to gather information for you about your partner or to spy on your partner for you. This means, don't send a friend to go hang out where you know or suspect your partner will be. Don't have your friend try to eavesdrop on your partner's conversations in places he/she goes. Don't ask your friends to use their cell phone to snap covert pictures of your partner. All of these favors from friends not only violate your partner's trust, but also reveal your total lack of trust in your partner.
6. Checking up constantly. One of the biggest ways to reveal that you don't trust your partner is to manifest that distrust with paranoid and obsessive behavior. While calling your partner regularly is quite normal, calling him/her incessantly to "check up" comes off as obsessive and will drive your partner away. If, for example, your partner is unable to answer his/her phone for a few hours and by the time he/she accesses it he/she discovers you've called 50 times, you not only come off as being paranoid and obsessive, but you clearly communicate to your partner that you distrust him/her. Also, when you panic every time 10 minutes go by without a reply from your partner by a phone call or an email, it sends the exact same message.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
03 August 2008
30 July 2008
Dr. Laura Berman -- The Art of Intimacy
This is something that I stumbled across when I opened Yahoo and I am a sucker for lists! You can find Dr. Berman's blurb and mugshot here. The particular article that I stumbled across was provocatively titled "3 Signs That Your Man Is Cheating".So, I figured this post would make a good community service announcement for my female readership (I am guessing maybe 3 or 4 of you). This is kind of like my pro bono contribution.
Here goes:
"1. Revived Interest in Appearance: If your partner suddenly undergoes a makeover of sorts, in which he spends much more time on his appearance, it could mean that he is trying to impress someone new. If he all of the sudden ditches his old khakis and sweats for something more stylish, it might be because he is trying to look his best for a new woman.
2. Missing in Action: If there are large periods in which your partner is absent and unaccounted for, it could be because there are mischievous motives behind his AWOL behavior. Whether it is a run to the corner store that takes over an hour, or whether he is constantly "working late," a missing husband could mean something sinister.
3. Mysterious Texts or Phone Calls: If you notice mysterious texts or phone calls on your phone bill, or if your husband tries to hide the phone bill or his cell phone from you, it might mean that there is a new love interest in the rafters. Additionally, if he spends more time on the computer, or tries to hide the screen he was looking at when you walk in the room, this is a good indicator that he might be philandering via the worldwide web."
I do not know that this is anything more than a mere warning sign, if that. Let's face it sometimes things are never as they seem to be. I have always figured that one of the pillars of my marriage was truth. I figure if you want to know, then you ask, you get the answer, and then you move on. No point in dwelling on it and letting the petty jealousies fester into full blown conflict, the war to end all wars!
16 April 2008
The Bule Files Too
As promised!
I scurried out this morning with the missus for an appointment with a doctor to confirm what a home pregnancy test had revealed on Friday! I know you are all wishing her well :)
Anyways, back to the book! After the appointment it was off for a wander in Metropolitan Mall and a swing by Gramedia. It did not take long to find the book and there were two great big piles of them. They were not flying off the shelf apparently but perhaps this is not a reflection of the quality of the book but rather that perhaps there are not as many Indonesian women in Bekasi looking to catch Mr. Bule. Long story short bought me a copy and then headed off to Hoka Hoka Bento for lunch.
As a side point, the missus did not believe such a book would ever be written. I said perhaps it might have been a good thing if it was written 12 or so years ago so she could have had the tools at her disposal to choose Mr. Right! Smiles all round...
So, how does the book hold up in comparison to other guide books like Lonely Planet's Indonesia on a Shoestring? Perhaps Lonely Planet is not such a good example now that it has been revealed that at least one of their authors did not even visit one of the countries he wrote a guide book on -- a total fraud! A travel guide might not be a fair comparison you say, but alas it is, and you will have to read the book to see why.
Nah, you won't! The book contains sections on living in foreign lands with Mr. Bule once you have caught him. So, it is a sort of Culture Shock (as advertised on Jakartass) meets Lonely Planet.
The book taps into all of the stereotypes that abound about inter-racial relationships between Indonesian women and bule men. But, it seems to be a genuine attempt at being informative about how to make the best of these relationships with a view to making them long-lasting. The 'empirical' evidence that the book is based on is word of mouth and personal experience. The author is married to a bule, Duncan Graham, and the author and Mr. Bule are currently residing in New Zealand (hence the culture shock meets lonely planet reference).
For all you out there who are offended by the word bule and the racist undertones that it has, will be pleased that the book offers up two other alternatives:
BULE = Beautiful Unlike Lots Elsewhere
or my personal favourite
BULE = Bald Ugly Lazy Easy (money)
For me, I could not help but have a little chuckle to myself when I read the advice that the author offers to Indonesian men who might be reading this little tome, which goes along the lines of if you, Indonesian men, want to get the attention of Indonesian women and stop them from preferring and finding bules then you, Indonesian men, need to treat Indonesian women better. This is a generalization and before you all jump on my head and beat the crap out of me in a figurative sense, these are the words of an Indonesian woman!
The chuckle however related to the idea that perhaps any Indonesian men reading this book were more interested in how they might be able to catch Mr. Bule as well rather than any interest in finding an Indonesian woman.
In the spirit of guide books there are chapters covering all the issues, at least as the author sees them, relating to the inter-racial relationships envisaged. These include chapters on communication, sex, gossip, extended family relationships.
The book is targeted at Indonesian women who are perhaps educated and professional but not so much to Indonesian women who might be looking to "escape" from the kampung. The book, at least for me, presupposes an equality between the prospective couple which you might not find with Indonesian women who have not had access to educational or work opportunities. However, some of the best advice relates to the idea that all bules are great. The author goes to some pains to point out that this is not the case and that bules are like everyone else; some good, some bad - avoid the bad!
Some of the other classic bits of advice relate to cultural issues like: don't be surprised if he (Mr. Bule) is not happy when you hit him up for cash to support your extended family like he is an ATM machine, don't be offended if on arrival home from a hard days work he greets his dog before he greets you (just the bule way apparently), don't worry that bule culture relies on alcohol but alcohol consumption is not always bad because sometimes in bule country it gets so cold that alcohol is drunk to warm up your body, and don't worry if your husband is watching a comedy show on TV and then all of a sudden breaks out in laughter and starts pissing himself laughing until he falls out of his chair and you just do not get the joke you should not feel alienated by this or become homesick, among many others.
Unfortunately, the book is only in Indonesian at the moment, but this is hardly surprising seeing that the target market is Indonesian women. So, if any of you bules out there want to know what it says precisely then you will have to read it yourself, or learn Indonesian, or get someone to read and translate it to you! Or you will just have to believe what I and others write about it!
For me it was in fact worth the 25,000 Rupes that I paid for it! I don't know that I learned anything but I did have fun reading through it! There were plenty of those WTF or are you kidding me moments. Yet, on reflection this was probably more so because of my personal experiences that are so different from those of the author than anything else, as well as the different ways that people view other cultures and their own...
Have a nice day!
I scurried out this morning with the missus for an appointment with a doctor to confirm what a home pregnancy test had revealed on Friday! I know you are all wishing her well :)
Anyways, back to the book! After the appointment it was off for a wander in Metropolitan Mall and a swing by Gramedia. It did not take long to find the book and there were two great big piles of them. They were not flying off the shelf apparently but perhaps this is not a reflection of the quality of the book but rather that perhaps there are not as many Indonesian women in Bekasi looking to catch Mr. Bule. Long story short bought me a copy and then headed off to Hoka Hoka Bento for lunch.
As a side point, the missus did not believe such a book would ever be written. I said perhaps it might have been a good thing if it was written 12 or so years ago so she could have had the tools at her disposal to choose Mr. Right! Smiles all round...
So, how does the book hold up in comparison to other guide books like Lonely Planet's Indonesia on a Shoestring? Perhaps Lonely Planet is not such a good example now that it has been revealed that at least one of their authors did not even visit one of the countries he wrote a guide book on -- a total fraud! A travel guide might not be a fair comparison you say, but alas it is, and you will have to read the book to see why.
Nah, you won't! The book contains sections on living in foreign lands with Mr. Bule once you have caught him. So, it is a sort of Culture Shock (as advertised on Jakartass) meets Lonely Planet.
The book taps into all of the stereotypes that abound about inter-racial relationships between Indonesian women and bule men. But, it seems to be a genuine attempt at being informative about how to make the best of these relationships with a view to making them long-lasting. The 'empirical' evidence that the book is based on is word of mouth and personal experience. The author is married to a bule, Duncan Graham, and the author and Mr. Bule are currently residing in New Zealand (hence the culture shock meets lonely planet reference).
For all you out there who are offended by the word bule and the racist undertones that it has, will be pleased that the book offers up two other alternatives:
BULE = Beautiful Unlike Lots Elsewhere
or my personal favourite
BULE = Bald Ugly Lazy Easy (money)
For me, I could not help but have a little chuckle to myself when I read the advice that the author offers to Indonesian men who might be reading this little tome, which goes along the lines of if you, Indonesian men, want to get the attention of Indonesian women and stop them from preferring and finding bules then you, Indonesian men, need to treat Indonesian women better. This is a generalization and before you all jump on my head and beat the crap out of me in a figurative sense, these are the words of an Indonesian woman!
The chuckle however related to the idea that perhaps any Indonesian men reading this book were more interested in how they might be able to catch Mr. Bule as well rather than any interest in finding an Indonesian woman.
In the spirit of guide books there are chapters covering all the issues, at least as the author sees them, relating to the inter-racial relationships envisaged. These include chapters on communication, sex, gossip, extended family relationships.
The book is targeted at Indonesian women who are perhaps educated and professional but not so much to Indonesian women who might be looking to "escape" from the kampung. The book, at least for me, presupposes an equality between the prospective couple which you might not find with Indonesian women who have not had access to educational or work opportunities. However, some of the best advice relates to the idea that all bules are great. The author goes to some pains to point out that this is not the case and that bules are like everyone else; some good, some bad - avoid the bad!
Some of the other classic bits of advice relate to cultural issues like: don't be surprised if he (Mr. Bule) is not happy when you hit him up for cash to support your extended family like he is an ATM machine, don't be offended if on arrival home from a hard days work he greets his dog before he greets you (just the bule way apparently), don't worry that bule culture relies on alcohol but alcohol consumption is not always bad because sometimes in bule country it gets so cold that alcohol is drunk to warm up your body, and don't worry if your husband is watching a comedy show on TV and then all of a sudden breaks out in laughter and starts pissing himself laughing until he falls out of his chair and you just do not get the joke you should not feel alienated by this or become homesick, among many others.
Unfortunately, the book is only in Indonesian at the moment, but this is hardly surprising seeing that the target market is Indonesian women. So, if any of you bules out there want to know what it says precisely then you will have to read it yourself, or learn Indonesian, or get someone to read and translate it to you! Or you will just have to believe what I and others write about it!
For me it was in fact worth the 25,000 Rupes that I paid for it! I don't know that I learned anything but I did have fun reading through it! There were plenty of those WTF or are you kidding me moments. Yet, on reflection this was probably more so because of my personal experiences that are so different from those of the author than anything else, as well as the different ways that people view other cultures and their own...
Have a nice day!
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