Martin Stephens, Kerobokan And A Wedding...

A life sentence for drug smuggling should not be a hindrance to true love and I guess this is the case for Martin Stephens of Bali Nine fame (or is that infamy?). Stephens has decided that now that all his appeals have been exhausted for his sentence to be reduced to a set term that it is a good time to get married. The reality for Stephens and his new bride, Christine Winarni Puspayanti, is that unless the current president or a future president of the Republic of Indonesia sees fit to commute his sentence to a fixed term then Stephens is not likely to see the outside of Kerobokan prison.

Stephens and his new bride are optimistic that freedom awaits Stephens at some point in the future. The Chief Warden of Kerobokan, Siswanto, allowed the wedding to go ahead because Stephens has been a well-behaved, or model, prisoner. Siswanto was in such a good mood that he allowed one of the cells to be converted into a honeymoon suite in which the prisoner and his new bride were permitted to partake in a conjugal visit.

True love seemingly cannot be thwarted on any count. So, to Stephens and Puspayanti, good luck! May your marriage be a long and fruitful one.

Syekh Puji: Sentenced to 4 Years for Pedophilia...

Pujiono Cahyo Widiyanto (aka Syekh Puji) has been sentenced to four years in prison for procuring a 12-year-old for a sexual relationship. Syekh Puji had been arguing that he had done nothing wrong in God's eyes nor under God's Laws as his 12-year-old bride had begun menstruating before he consummated the marriage.

Syekh Puji is a Muslim and believes that Islam permits his actions. The Syekh also believes that the laws of God are far superior to the laws of 'man'. Men do not have the right to punish him because he has not committed a crime in the eyes of God. The age of consent in Indonesia for females is 16-years-old. The law does not make any exceptions for early puberty or menstruation, or even parental consent.

Well, it would seem that despite his protestations to the counter, the judges of the courts of men (and women) in Semarang decided that the Syekh was in fact guilty of having sex with a minor, Lutfiana Ulfa. It goes without saying that Syekh Puji will appeal this decision. This was confirmed by O.C. Kaligis, the Syekh's lawyer. Kaligis is getting some varied and interesting work of late. Kaligis is also the lawyer for Ariel of Peterpan fame. Ariel is currently on trial in Bandung for his alleged role in the distribution of a couple of home-made sex tapes.

It will be interesting to see what the grounds for appeal are. The law is pretty explicit with respect to the age of consent. So, it is unclear at this point as to where the court may have erred in rendering its judgment.

Nia Ramadhani: What's In A Name?

If you are a woman, do you need to take on your husband's name or change your name in order to be a "good" wife?

I know that this is not my usual blogging fare. But, it is an interesting question.

On a personal level I have not asked, nor insisted, that my wife take on my family name. Ultimately, that is a decision for her, and I will support whatever decision she makes on that front.

On a celebrity gossip front, it was interesting to read that Priyanti Nur Ramadhani, or Nia Ramadhani as she was once known to her fans, has gone to the legal trouble of changing her name to Ramadhania Ardiansyah Bakrie.

So, what's in a name?

Pedophilia vs. Distribution of Porn...

This must surely be an anomaly, right? Prosecutors are seeking to have Ariel jailed for 16 years for his alleged involvement in distributing a couple of home made sex tapes, yet the same office of public prosecutors are seeking a mere 6 years for a pedophile Muslim cleric. Go figure.

Does this mean that the distribution of pornography is a far more serious offense than pedophilia? Or is it that because Sheikh Puji has a legitimate argument that underage marriage is permissible in Islam thereby in some way mitigating the seriousness of the breach as it exists under state law?

These are serious questions for Indonesia to answer. It is high time that the president took the high moral ground and involved himself in these sorts of matters and made unequivocal statements as to what it means to be Indonesian. He should also stand up and say "sorry, but the sexual abuse of children is wrong! There is no excuse for it, there is nothing to mitigate the actions of a perpetrator, and anyone committing these crimes will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law". Hopefully, the full extent of the law is a little more than 6 years.

I have posted on Pujiono Cahyo Widiyanto and his marriage to Lutfiana Ulfa. A simple search of the blog will reveal those posts. Here are the essential facts as I recall them: he is 45-years-old and she is 12-years-old (at the time of the marriage), he owns and operates a Muslim Boarding school and uses that to call himself a cleric, he is wealthy, Lutfiana's parents had financial dealings and debts with him, he argues that God's law trumps the laws of man, and in any event she has reached puberty so in a medical sense she is no longer a child.

Perhaps prosecutors could use Article 5(3) of Law No. 1 of 1951 to prosecute the Sheikh as well?

Serial Killers Marrying Drug Dealers....

I am not sure that this is an only in Indonesia scenario, but this particular story is out of Indonesia. Yet, no matter, as the very idea is worthy of a blog post.

It appears that Verry Idham Henyahsyah, aka Ryan, who came to fame as a gay serial killer sentenced to death for the murder of 11 people, is not set to get married to a woman. It is all a little weird but, then again, not so weird. It is not unheard of gay men to marry women for myriad of different reasons. I think this is a little weird because Ryan was sentenced to death for his crimes and is awaiting execution in Kesambi Prison in Cirebon.

The weirdness for me is a personal one. I have never really understood why women meet, fall in love and ultimately want to (or do) marry men on death row. I guess I just need to read a little more widely, I am sure the literature is out there somewhere.

Ryan argues that marrying the recently released drug dealer, Eny Wijaya, fits his personal philosophy that marriages is the process of regenerating life. Maybe I need to read more widely on the nature and nurture debate as it relates to serial killers; are they born or bred?

The other reason Ryan feels it necessary for him as an openly gay man to marry a woman is that it would makes his mother happy. It seems Ryan's mum really wants him to get married.

Normally, people would want to wish you a long, happy, and fruitful marriage together, but I wonder what is the "right" thing to say to a fellow that is sitting on death row with respect to marriage? Let's face it, he might not know the exact date of his death, but Ryan does know that the final walk to the firing squad is going to happen, and it is going to happen sooner rather than later.

Ho hum...

Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods -- Divorced...

It is official, the marriage of one Tiger Woods and one Elin Nordegren is over.

It really could not have ended any other way, could it?

No terms of the divorce settlement have been announced. The only statement was that their mutual and paramount concern was for their two children and they made a call for privacy. In any event, it is going to be a difficult conversation that Mr. Woods has to have with his children at some point in the future, you know the one, "Dad, why did you and Mum get divorced?"

I would reckon Ms. Nordegren ended up with a settlement that over time will be well over USD 100 million. She deserves it.

"I'm Going to Control Your Life!"

Ain't that the truth?

Syekh Puji and the Office of the Attorney General...

The Office of the Attorney General (AGO) has stated that it intends to appeal against the preliminary decision handed down by the Ungaran District Court in the case of child sexual abuse against Pujiantocahyo Widianto or Syekh Puji as he is known by his followers.

The Ungaran District Court dismissed the indictment for being incomplete and vague. The rationale of the court was that the indictment failed to detail explicitly how and when the offenses were committed. Presumably, the prosecutors failed, according to the court, to get into the nitty gritty of detailing what type of sex was had, when the sexual intercourse occurred, and where. Any amended indictment that seeks to satisfy the court in this regard is certainly going to make for interesting reading.

Albeit, it seems that the trend to explicit detail in indictments regarding sexual activity has already been started by the AGO in the case against Antasari Azhar in the South Jakarta District Court. The indictment read out by the prosecutors in the Antasari case caused some controversy as it was the first time the sexual practices of a former public official were entered into the court records. The indictment detailed Antasari's need for some hand relief (also known as a happy ending or being masturbated) from someone else's wife. For which he paid USD 500.

Back to the Syekh. The AGO is going to appeal to the Central Java High Court seeking the court to overturn the ruling. If they are successful in their appeal, then the Central Java High Court is most likely to order the matter to proceed in the Ungaran District Court. The appeal is based on a cause of action that the court / judges erred in their application of the relevant laws. Simply, the indictment is not flawed but the legal reasoning of the judges is flawed in this case.

The dismissal of the indictment against the Syekh poses an interesting dilemma. The girl in this case is a girl at just 12-years of age when the Syekh married her. So, there is seemingly a prima facie case on which to proceed. The dismissal of the indictment, by default, says that there is no case on which to proceed. Therefore, the dilemma is whether or not this dismissal can be read as condoning and legalizing pedophilia in Indonesia?

It is clear under the marriage law that a child of 12 years of age cannot marry. It is also pretty clear that the parents of a 12-year-old would encounter some legal obstacles in condoning such a marriage. The Child Protection Law explicitly states that a child is a child until they reach the age of 18. So, to allow this decision to stand unchallenged sets a bad precedent. The AGO has an obligation to pursue this through higher courts.

Interestingly, it would seem that the argument that the practice of marriage according to the rules of Islam trumps any national laws that are in place that would seemingly prohibit such practices. There is some debate about whether Islam of the 21st Century still condones the marriage practices of the 7th Century as they relate to child brides. However, the Ungaran District Court decision has added a new dynamic to the framework of the argument.

It would seem though that, at least in the interim, the Syekh is free to go about his daily business as a handicraft exporter and husband to a child bride.

Wedding Humour -- Jewish...

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counselling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks:

Rabbi, we realise it’s tradition for men to dance with men,and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we’d like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world.

Says the rabbi:

Absolutely not. It’s immodest. Men and women always dance separately.

So, after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?

“No,” answered the rabbi. “It’s forbidden.”

“Well, okay,” says the man,”What about sex? Can we finally have sex?”

“Of course!” replies the rabbi. “Sex is a mitzvah – a good thing within marriage – to have children!”

“What about different positions?” asks the man

“No problem,” says the rabbi “It’s a mitzvah!”

“Woman on top?” the man asks.

“Sure,” says the rabbi. “Go for it! It’s a mitzvah!”

“Doggy style?”

“Sure! Another mitzvah!”

“On the kitchen table?”

“Yes, yes! A mitzvah!”

“Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?”

“You may indeed. It’s all a mitzvah!”

“Can we do it standing up?”

“No!”thunders the rabbi.

“Why not?” asks the man.

“Could lead to dancing!”

This joke and the picture has been taken from The Freethinker blog. I would encourage everyone to go and have a read of the posts made. They are always interesting and thought-provoking, even when they might not be your cuppa tea.

Syekh Puji, Indonesian Law, Pedophilia

Hopefully once the Indonesian Child Protection Commission (Komisi Perlindungan Anak Indonesia / KPAI) make their report to police about Syekh Puji and his marriage to a 12-year-old, the police will have the testicular fortitude to throw the book at this pedophile.

The KPAI team that went to Semarang seem to think that they have sufficient evidence that the marriage was consummated. To be legally correct the fact finding team uses the words very likely that the Syekh had slept with his child bride, Lutfiana Ulfa.

There seems little doubt that this is a valid marriage in the sense of a religious marriage or as it is generally known, kawin siri. However, it is not a valid marriage in terms of Indonesian law. It would be a hard slog to try and prove that a kawin siri type marriage between a 43-year-old man and a 12-year-old girl is recognized in the Marriage Law (Law No. 1 of 1974 -- soft copy in Indonesia if anyone wants it). This would still be the case even where the parents or guardians are said to have given their approval.

What makes this case even more bizarre and sickening than it already is, is the manner in which the whole affair has been played out. Lutfiana was the winner of a bride selection competition where one of the judges was the Syekh's current wife (this would make her complicit in the procurement of a child for sexual exploitation) and some of his followers (also complicit in the procurement of a minor for sex).

This gets even more perverse when one learns that the parents are in considerable financial difficulty and as such were glad that the daughter was chosen. The only thing that could make this even more bizarre and sad is if the parents financial difficulties were in some way related to the man that they eventually sold their daughter to.

The implication quite clearly is that there was a transaction involved in that the parents are in financial difficulties and then not so after marrying off the daughter. This I need to check further because the parents have only said that they hope it improves their financial position and not that it already has.

The KPAI is hoping that the Police will act on this and charge all those involved under Articles 81 - 83 of the Child Protection Law. These articles in essence prohibit the procurement of child for sex. The articles would provide for a term of imprisonment of up to 15 years and a fine in the vicinity of IDR 250 million, if I recall correctly. I need to look at the law (soft copies in Indonesian and English, I think).

The KPAI reckon that before they can call the man a pedophile they would need to get a psychological test. This is one of those shake your head moments. The KPAI are one of the few to do something about this predator and then they come out with the idea they need to psychologically test the man before they can be sure that he is a pedophile.

The evidence speaks for itself. He is married to a 12-year-old and is looking to procure a 9-year-old and a 7-year-old as his next wives. For my mind there is no need to do psychological test on this man, he is a serial predator, a molester of children, a rapist of children, and worthy of jail time. I hear that the inmates of jails have a special liking for men who interfere with children.

The idea that this man is in some way right because he claims he is doing nothing different from the Prophet is ludicrous. He is not the Prophet for starters and has not been granted any special privileges in this regard. Even a cursory reading of the Suras and the Hadiths would highlight that Muhammad was granted special privileges in the marriage game.

It is also pretty likely that Muhammad only slept with his first two wives (I have been talking to people about this offline and learning a thing or two along the way) and that the Hadiths suggest that Muhammad's marriage practices were not to be followed. In fact there is specific mention of not having more than four wives (strict conditions for more than one) and that children are not to be married (I am sure that there will be a reader out there somewhere that can enlighten me on whether I am close to the mark or way off base -- constructive comments welcome because I want to learn more).

It is time that more people came out against this practice. It does not matter that it is rare. What matters is that it happens and it must not. The children of this world are our future, they are our hopes and dreams, and no man (or woman) has a right to strip a child of that future under any circumstances, ever!

Child Brides -- Indonesia

There are plenty of ways to get media attention in Indonesia. One of the best is to publicly announce you have married a 12-year-old and intend to take a 9-year-old and a 7-year-old in the near future as wives.

In most places this would be serial pedophilia and the perpetrator would be investigated and prosecuted and hopefully jailed.

It should be noted that this is not an attack on Indonesia alone. I have written about the child bride practice in Yemen here. You can find other commentary here.

There are many urging the police to take immediate action in terms of investigating the cleric, Pujiono Cahyo Widianto (AKA Syekh Puji), for breaches of the Child Protection Law, the Marriage Law, the Labor Law, and most obviously the Criminal Code.

The Child Protection Law states that the parents of a child cannot marry them off until the child has reached at least 18 years of age. The Marriage Law sets an age of 16 with the parents consent. The breach of the Labor law relates to the allegation that Puji has made his new bride, Lutfiana Ulfa, a Managing Director (or something similar) in one of his companies. The Criminal Code prohibits sexual contact with minors.

There would seem to be some inconsistency between the Child Protection Law and the Marriage Law in terms of age. This is potentially a Constitutional Court issue in terms of determining which age is the appropriate age.

In terms of the Marriage Law individually. The Marriage Law recognizes marriages know as kawin siri. This type of marriage is one that is valid under one's religion. If this particular marriage is a kawin siri one then this raises a whole range of issues that warrant a much longer debate and post than I intend to make here.

However, suffice to say, if the parents provide their permission for the marriage to take place, the parents are of sound mind and body, then should the state be in a position to take their parenting rights away?

It would seem that there is much more to this story than a simple run of the mill kawin siri. I am sure that the Indonesian Child Protection Commission (Komisi Perlindungan Anak Indonesia / KPAI), who have sent a team to investigate, will produce a report that will enlighten us a little further as to what transpired in this case.

Claims of child exploitation are interesting as the parents seemed to have agreed. If there was a transaction involved, a dowry for instance, would this be consistent with child trafficking? Just throwing that out there.

It seems the Syekh's reasons for marrying are varied but primary among these is his self-proclaimed penchant for liking little girls. The reason is that he can "educate" them to become great people. Maybe this is true.

However, he does not need to marry them to educate them and make them great people. He could just as easily facilitate their education through university, ensure that their parents have sufficient resources to provide a good home and good nutrition. The Syekh obviously has the resources to do this as he recently disbursed some IDR 1.2 billion as alms this past Eid.

Nah, I think it has more to do with that he enjoys having sex with children. He has chosen to dress this up as something that is permissible under his religion and it is so because the prophet did it. It is amusing in a really sad way that the Syekh equates himself to the prophet and that he thinks that the times have not changed.

This is not a justification for the prophet's actions rather a statement as to what may or may not have been acceptable then is not acceptable now. However, "acceptable" is relative and there are some who do not have a problem with what the Syekh has done or is planning to do. One of these people who does not have a problem with it is a member of parliament and a representative of the Prosperous Justice Party or PKS.

The Chair of the Indonesia Ulemas Council (MUI), Umar Shihab, has come out and said he is troubled by the marriage. His troubles are not an outright condemnation of the marriage. His statements go along the lines of he cannot see why the Syekh needs to marry a 12-year-old when there are so many older women available for marriage. Shihab then goes on to suggest that it is important that the reasons for the marriage be made clear and that it is OK to marry in order to protect yourself from sin.

This is most certainly not the required condemnation for the sexual exploitation of children that the MUI needs to be putting out there into the public sphere. It seems that the biggest hurdle is that some just cannot reconcile that the actions of the prophet some 1400 years ago no longer the way of the 21st Century.

Those that support this will never get past. "well the prophet married Aisha when she was just a child", which is simply an argument, "if it was good enough for the prophet then it must be good enough for us". A silly argument that seems more like a call to rationalize and justify modern day pedophilia than it is to protect some kind of sacred institution or practice.

In a cynical and sarcastic way it is too bad for followers of other religions that their prophets or founders chose not to take child brides. Then we could simply run away from the fact that we have men sexually exploiting children and hide behind some religious excuse that it is OK. It is not OK and it is time the practice was explicitly forbidden.

It is time for Muslim scholars to state unequivocally that the actions of Muhammad had their time and place back then but there is no justification for actions such as the practice of taking child brides in the 21st Century. The MUI could lead the charge on this in Indonesia.

For me there are lots of issues.

Simply, girls are not ready to become wives and are not prepared mentally, emotionally, or physically for being married. According to most reports, Ulfa has already menstruated and if the Syekh is as good as his religious word then this means that he has already slept with her. I just cannot bring my mind to the idea that a 12-year-old is in any way ready to become a parent herself. I know some 30-year-olds that are not ready for the challenge.

The second issue runs on from the first in a sense that being married at 12 rips away any normalcy of childhood. If you take a step back and think for a minute of two about your childhood, good or bad, this is the time that you develop, you grow, and you have fun with your peers, it is where you start to gain your life experiences that make you what you are as an adult. For Ulfa it would seem that her childhood or teenage years are destined to be a revolving door of pregnancies and isolation from her peers.

Let's face it, you do not usually see married and pregnant girls in year 7 or 8 of high school.

When push comes to shove, if this marriage has in fact taken place, then this marriage should be rejected and rejected with prejudice. The man should be investigated, prosecuted, and jailed for the sexual abuse of a minor. This can happen even without the MUI and others having the testicular fortitude to come out and openly say this is wrong no matter the circumstances proclaimed as being justification are.

Whether law enforcement is endowed with the courage to make a statement on the application of the rule of law in Indonesia by seeing this individual is punished for all breaches of the prevailing laws and regulations remains to be seen.

Being the eternal optimist then I will always remain hopeful that this person will be punished for his crimes.

Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride

I was surfing around earlier today and came across this gem from 1894. It is an instruction manual of sorts and it is a fantastic read for anyone contemplating marriage or those already married trying to make sense of what is going on. I attach it in full for your reading pleasure, enjoy!

INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE

To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolising her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.

At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.

On the other hand, the bride’s terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it.

It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.

Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.

Feigned illness, sleepiness and headaches are among the wife’s best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction.

Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.

By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband at home.

Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.

Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.

A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practised only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton night-gowns for themselves and pyjamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.

Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.

When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.

If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.

If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.

Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists in having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pyjamas to thus make connection.

She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while he is huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more.

One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband’s home, school, church and social environment have been working together all through his life to instil in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband’s desire for sexual expression.

© copyright 1894 The Madison Institute.

A Philosophy for a Long Marriage

"I have steak at home; why go out for hamburger?"

-- Paul Newman

Racism in Australia

I am an Australian and I am a proud Australian. The results of the recent study, Challenging Racism: The Anti-Racism Research Project, does not change the level of pride that I have for Australia and all things Australian.

The results of the study highlight that there is much work to be done if Australia is to become a truly tolerant nation of the diversity that we already have. Quite simply we cannot turn back the clock and start deporting people left right and center that is never going to be a practical response. The report will need to be analyzed in its entirety as i have only seen snippets to date in the form of news bites. However, the study is set for general release at the Rights, Reconciliation, Respect and Responsibility conference to be held at the University of Technology in Sydney this coming Friday.

The study was conducted over ten years and has surveyed some 12,500 people over the last eight years. So, this should in theory provide a relatively good cross-section of the much broader Australian community.

My home state of New South Wales tops the list as the most racist state. I have seen a lot of racism first hand, this is in the sense of having witnessed it and not because I have been subject to it. It is a seeing or watching it happen as opposed to a having it happen to me experience. Racism is also something I have thought about as I am married to an Indonesian and my children will be Australian citizens of mixed race.

The results are alarming in that they suggest as many as 2 out of every 5 people surveyed felt that some ethnic groups and religions did not belong in Australia. The study also found that at least 1 in 10 people surveyed held openly racist views.

This is a concern because if these results are considered to be representative of the broader Australian population then it would seem that we as a community are destined for some pretty rough times in terms of cultural, ethnic, and religious clashes.

It would be my feeling that any kind of cultural, ethnic, or religious based clashes in Australia are destined to further polarize what seems to be a polarizing society.

The people most identified as not belonging (perhaps not fitting into the concept of Australianism that is dominant presently) are Muslims and those from the Middle East. Islam is a religion so I do not know how you can be a racist if you say bad things about it. Perhaps the term is a religious bigot?

The study also asked questions that required people to answer on whether marriages between cultures were a good thing and whether all races are equal. The results for these two questions show that about 10% of those surveyed believe that inter-cultural marriages are a bad thing and that a similar number believe that not all races are equal. These results do not surprise me and in some ways I am surprised that they are not higher.

I wonder if a similar study was conducted in Indonesia what the results might be. There are plenty of inter-cultural marriages but there is always talk and gossip of the unhappiness of the extended family that such marriages have taken place. The idea of marrying within your own group is strong here among most of Indonesia's diverse range of ethnic groups. A read of the singles columns highlight this as race or ethnicity is often identified as a desirable characteristic.

I have been following some blogs and sites where race, ethnic, and religious issues get a regular airing. One such site is Indonesia Matters. The beauty of Indonesia Matters is that one can get to read a very broad cross section of opinions on these topics.

The lead researcher on this study was Professor Kevin Dunn of the University of Western Sydney (this happens to be one of my alma maters). According to Professor Dunn the results are high but it is worth pointing out that overall Australia ranks as being a country with a low level of racism. This means that there are plenty of countries out there in the big bad world with a lot more serious racial, ethnic, and religious tolerance problems than us.

Divorce Proofing Your Marriage

Maybe I should change the focus of my blog into counselling the masses. This would be a freeby to the world so to speak as I have no counselling qualifications and right now I am ripping off other people's stuff and cutting and pasting it here (with credit of course).

My point though is that some of the stuff that I am reading is not rocket science and would not seem to be all that dependent on having a university qualification or some other qualification. Personal experience and observation should be more than enough experience for me to get this counselling gig down pat.

Anyway, surfing the ever-expanding www I stumbled across these pearls of wisdom. It was written by Caroline Presno who seems to have a Doctorate in Education and another qualification that has the letters P.C.C. It might help those of you that are not yet hitched and it might make the rest of us think, "why didn't I think of that before?"

Happy Reading!

1. Get married after about two years of courtship:
Researchers say that if a couple's courtship is average in length -- around two years, four months -- there is less chance of divorce. Researchers say that if a couple's courtship is average in length -- around two years, four months -- there is less chance of divorce. Couples who rush to the altar, as well as couples who drag their feet to the altar, have an increased risk for divorce. "The couples who are slowest to marry tend to be the quickest to split," according to Ted Huston, Ph.D.

2. Rethink living together:
Living together before marriage is more popular than ever and it stands to reason that you might want to take someone for a "test drive" around your living space before you commit to marriage. However, research doesn't support this. Couples who live together before marriage have a higher risk of divorce.

3. Wait until you are a little older to marry:
Statistics show that if you marry after age 25, your marriage will have a much better chance.

4. Talk about the big issues before you get married:
How many kids do you both want? How will you handle your finances? It's important to clarify these questions before the honeymoon. Premarital education or counseling can help with this. Studies show that those who go through this process have higher levels of marital satisfaction and more commitment to their spouses.

5. You can argue, just don't let it turn into World War III:
Arguing is a natural part of a relationship and in and of itself does not predict divorce. However, the way you argue does. Researchers Gottman and Levenson say they can predict divorce by watching how negative a couple gets with each other, as well as how many constructive, positive interactions they have during an argument. Things to avoid when arguing: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Learn to tone down heated arguments with humor and a few kind words.

6. Do stuff together:
Yes, you both need to have your own individual interests. However, if you take this too far you may start to lead separate lives and grow apart, like if he spends every Saturday golfing and she spends every Saturday swimming. Learn to reconnect by taking part in a hobby or activity that you both enjoy. Also important: Take time for intimacy even when it seems like you don't have a minute to spare. Forms of intimacy like massage and cuddling are wonderful ways to bring you closer together.

7. Share the chores:
If one person does the majority of the housework while the other slacks off, that's a recipe for divorce.

8. Be as polite to each other as you are to strangers:
Sometimes we treat the people we love most with the least amount of respect without even realizing it. Ask yourself, "Do I treat friends, acquaintances, coworkers, and even strangers nicer than I do my significant other?" Take time to give each other compliments and remember to say "please" and "thank you" rather than barking orders or nagging. Take time to give each other compliments and remember to say "please" and "thank you" rather than barking orders or nagging.

9. Have issues? Get help!
Is one of you suffering from depression? Does one of you have substance abuse issues? Has one of you cheated? If you don't address these types of issues individually as well as a couple, you dramatically increase your divorce risk. Take steps to decrease your divorce risk now by addressing these issues through counseling and other means!

10. Marry someone who wants to be married:
It seems obvious, but it's really not, since so many people ignore it. If you have to beg, cajole, manipulate, and hurl ultimatums at someone before they will agree to marry you, common sense says they probably don't want to be married. If you think something is going to change when you get that ring on their finger, you're wrong. Don't set yourself up for failure. Find somebody who wants the same things you want!

Poland, Divine Sex, the Karma Sutra, and the Catholic Church

A Polish Friar by the name of Ksawery Knotz has become a bit of a guru in advising couples, married of course, in how to practice divine sex. Now, I am guessing divine sex would climax with a divine orgasm for both parties at the same time. But I am just guessing because I am not the guru on this one, Friar Knotz is!

It goes without saying that this assistance has seen the good Friar dubbed the "High Priest of Catholic Karma Sutra", nice title if one can earn it I suppose. The Friar is a member of the Order of Friars Minor Capuchin in Stalowa Wola, southern Poland.

The sessions with Friar Knotz start out with the need to ensure that couples are praying to God for a good and happy sex life. I reckon I would become a believer if such a prayer were possible and was granted. Unfortunately, for me the sex life is good and happy, but if I were in desperate or dire straits then perhaps a trip to Poland might be warranted.

If you are wondering about the popularity of Friar Knotz's services, then you should probably make a booking as the Friar and his service are fully booked for the next 12 months. That's right, 12 full months!

Since 2000 the Friar has had more than 3000 couples enjoy the trip into sex and spirituality through his workshops. These sessions have the approval of the Church and many therapists are also praising the work that the Friar is doing.

According to Friar Knotz, "If you believe in God, then you believe God is involved in life, in love, marriage and in sex and sexuality -- it seems natural to talk about sex to remove taboos and the label of sinfulness."

The Church is not an institution that you would associate with the open and frank discussions on sex and love making that the Friar's workshops are sure to entail. However, the Friar sticks to the good ol' Catholic doctrine of marriage being a union between a man and woman, and that the sexual relationship is one which springs from this union.

The Friar has published a book and maintains a website. The book "The Act of Marriage" and the website a "Chance to Meet" (http://www.szansaspotkania.net/) are in Polish and English. This means that a non-Polish speaker like myself can get online and enjoy the Friar's graphic depictions of divine sex.

I am not quite sure how the Friar knows this considering he has taken a vow of celibacy, but his book includes a passage titled "theology of the orgasm". In this passage the Friar likens an orgasm to an experience similar to meeting God. How he knows this I do not know. Yet, I could not imagine anything more embarrassing than meeting God and then climaxing on his sandals, but once again what do I know of these things?

The fact that the Friar is celibate should not mean that what he has to say and how he helps people is irrelevant because he does not have the "hands on experience" of sex to be able to discuss it authoritatively. This is like saying a shrink cannot counsel the psychologically challenged among us who rape and kill because they do not have the hands on experience of being a rapist and killer.

I would agree with those that say, if people think that the services provided by the Friar work for them then, why not?

Relationship Enders

These were written by a fella named David Wygant. I do not know who he is and I am too lazy to do an Internet search to find out. These six relationship breakers were written for "daters" but I figure they would apply to married couples as well.

Happy Reading!

1. Prying into private info. If you suspect your partner of betrayal, does that give you the right to start reading your partner's email? To listen to his/her voicemail messages? To hack into his/her online profile? The answer to all of these is "no!" You should never dig through your partner's personal emails or listen to your partner's voicemail messages. You should never dig through your partner's personal emails or listen to your partner's voicemail messages. By doing this, you violate not only your partner's trust, but also the trust your partner has with anyone who left those voice messages and emails.

2. Lying for the greater good. Lying is never good in a relationship, although we've probably all been guilty of doing it. Lying to your partner in an effort to avoid hurting him/her or to avoid confrontation may seem like a wise decision. Regrettably, you will end up digging a deeper hole for yourself when that lie is exposed, which is almost always inevitable. When caught in this situation, you end up hurting your partner anyway, and whatever you were trying to protect your partner from -- by lying to them -- will be even worse because of your deception. I recommend honestly communicating with your partner from the get-go.

3. Pulling a "James Bond." You should never snoop in your partner's private things (drawers, wallet, filing cabinet, or private records -- such as bank or credit card statements). Furthermore, nothing justifies snooping. No matter what you have a "hunch" about, snooping through your partner's things should never be pursued to confirm or deny your hunch. Your partner's possessions and personal records should be kept private unless he/she gives you permission to look at them. Spying on your partner is one of the most blatant violations of your partner's trust and will achieve nothing except having your partner never trust you to be alone near his/her things ever again.

4. Designating yourself "Magnum P.I." Another ill-advised way some people try to verify suspected bad behavior by their partner is to take on the role of private investigator by attempting to "catch their partner in the act" of doing something. Whether this takes the form of searching for your partner's car by driving by his/her house, work, or gym or it takes the form of following your partner in your car, this is something you should never do. Even if you have a convincing hunch that your partner is hiding something from you, stalking is the wrong way to address it. If your partner finds out you've been "tailing him/her" in your car, he/she will no longer trust you.

5. Sending others to do your dirty work. Don't ever send a friend or anyone else to gather information for you about your partner or to spy on your partner for you. This means, don't send a friend to go hang out where you know or suspect your partner will be. Don't have your friend try to eavesdrop on your partner's conversations in places he/she goes. Don't ask your friends to use their cell phone to snap covert pictures of your partner. All of these favors from friends not only violate your partner's trust, but also reveal your total lack of trust in your partner.

6. Checking up constantly. One of the biggest ways to reveal that you don't trust your partner is to manifest that distrust with paranoid and obsessive behavior. While calling your partner regularly is quite normal, calling him/her incessantly to "check up" comes off as obsessive and will drive your partner away. If, for example, your partner is unable to answer his/her phone for a few hours and by the time he/she accesses it he/she discovers you've called 50 times, you not only come off as being paranoid and obsessive, but you clearly communicate to your partner that you distrust him/her. Also, when you panic every time 10 minutes go by without a reply from your partner by a phone call or an email, it sends the exact same message.

Socrates on Marriage

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

-- Socrates

Polygamous Marriage in NSW

The New South Wales Premier, Morris Iemma, has unequivocally stated that polygamous marriage is not going to see any legislation that will recognize the practice. Simply, polygamy is illegal and will remain so.

There have been recent rumblings from within the Muslim community in NSW that recognition of polygamy is the right thing to do because some clerics in Australia and particularly NSW that are performing polygamous marriage ceremonies. The argument then goes, well seeing it is already happening then it is necessary to recognize that it happens in order to protect the rights of women in a polygamous marriage. This seems to be the introduction and recognition of a prohibited practice by default.

On the contrary, rather than recognize that polygamous marriages are being performed, the government must be proactive in ensuring that the community is aware that polygamy is prohibited and will not be recognized legally. In fact the government needs to make sure that liaison officers are in place in the community, if they are not already, to educate the community to the prevailing laws.

Perhaps rather than asking the government to recognize polygamous marriage by default perhaps a better line of attack is to look at whether or not the lack of recognition is a form of discrimination. The emphasis that modern politics puts on political correctness means that chances of success, although remote, might be better than just saying "make it so".

Then we must take this political correctness to the extreme and recognize polyandry as well. What is good for the gander must also be good for the goose as well.

Polygamy is not going to be recognized any time soon in Australia or in NSW more specifically and I am OK about that!

Gay Marriage -- Who Cares?

Tuesday is the first full day in California were same sex couples can legally get married! It is 02.54 Wednesday now while I write this sitting here in Jakarta and by my reckoning that makes it Tuesday in California. I am sure there will be a bit of a rush today with couples looking to tie the knot and get on with business. The system in California expects a rush too. They have extended operation hours and put on additional staff to cope with the expected rush.

The change in the law has required some form changes as well. The traditional "bride" and "groom" spaces on a marriage license have been changed to "Party A" and "Party B".

One of the first couples to get a marriage license were George Takei and his longtime partner. This is the fella that played Sulu in the original Star Trek and more recently appeared in Heroes. Nah, this is indicative of how much attention I pay to who is gay and who is not, as I did not even know he was gay! I just do not care!

I do not believe that homosexuality and lesbianism are lifestyle choices. I do not believe that homosexuality and lesbianism is a disease that can be cured like genital warts. I believe that you are born homosexual or lesbian and that society encourages you to repress your true self in order to conform to an unrealistic and arbitrary norm.

My good blogging friend Rima has written an excellent little post on "why religion does not matter" and I encourage you to drop by and read it! The relevance to that post and this one is with regards to the "not caring". I really do not give the proverbial rat's arse in terms of people identifying whether they are gay or lesbianism. I am not judging them on any criteria that relates to the sexual preferences as I would expect them not to be judging me on my preference for heterosexuality. To each their own!

Yet, I must care because there are many who want to convince me that there is something inherently evil and bad in homosexuality and lesbianism. So evil that I must rail against it now or forever live in damnation! My response is always the same...if this is such a bad thing then let them get on with it and God can sort it out later.

I have never really understood why some people think that God has given them the authority to be God's arbiter and representative on earth. This bothers me because I am asked to tolerate the stupidity of the Westboro Baptist Church and their protests. They seem to think that God hates Australia but I wouldn't be surprised if in fact God had a few more issues with the Westboro Baptist Church than God has with Australia.

I have never met a gay or lesbian person who has interfered with or been a hassle to my daily life experience. Not one of my gay and lesbian friends has ever tried to "convert" me in order that I bat for the other side. Nope, the only zealots that I have encountered are those who try and convert me to some misguided religion that looks for me to allocate 10% of my salary to the building of a bigger church or mosque!

Back to California. It was nice to see that the first couple married were Del Martin aged 87 and Phyllis Lyon aged 83. This pair have been together for some 55 years! A commitment of 55 years to each other deserves to be recognized in marriage. I do not care who was Party A and who was Party B. I bet my last dollar that neither did they! The picture is of the happy couple and it is a sweet photograph of two people still in love after 55 years. They have been together longer than I have been alive!

I am pro-same sex marriage!