Good Parenting Skills?

Being a parent is a great thing. I would not swap it for the world. However, there are always challenges and it is always a steep learning curve. There is always that realisation that you cannot always get everything right all of the time.

Yet, as some of these photos highlight, there are some things that just should not be done, particularly in this day and age of technology where our world is becoming increasingly smaller and better connected.

Just a few photos found while surfing the internet today...

"Battle Hymn of a Tiger Mother"...

Parenting is an art form, of this there is no doubt. And, as an art form, there are styles one likes and approves of and there are styles that one does not like nor approves of. Yet, there is no one style that is 100% guaranteed to be successful in producing a well-adjusted and accomplished child who grows into an adult that contributes to their community in positive ways. Or is there?

There was an interesting article in the Wall Street Journal the other week written by Amy Chua, an American with a Filipino heritage and a Chinese ancestry. The article was titled "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior". The general gist of the article follows the substance of Chua's arguments for successful parenting that she describes in her book "Battle Hymn of a Tiger Mother".

I have not read the book, so this is not a book review. It is not a critique of her parenting style either. It is merely an opinion piece on how one might decide which style to adopt. Perhaps the point is that each person is unique and each family is unique so maybe it is a case of manipulating styles by taking the best of many styles or those bits that work and co-opting them into a style of your own.

But, back to Amy Chua and what has worked for her. Stereotypes are powerful things and it is to see them when you want to, or feel the need to, label certain things. So, why is it that Chinese children are such high achievers? The generalisation aside assuming that there has to be one Chinese child somewhere that does not fit the stereotypical bill of "high achiever", but nevertheless this is the stereotype, right? Are Chinese children high achievers because they are intellectually more capable or is it that they are more driven courtesy of strict parenting practices.

The Chua argument probably follows the line that strict parenting plays a fundamental role in ensuring 'successful' outcomes for one's children. There are plenty of children who would balk at the prospect of a home where they were not allowed to do the following:

• attend sleepovers;
• have play dates;
• be in a school play;
• complain about not being in a school play;
• watch TV or play computer games;
• choose their own extra-curricular activities;
• get a grade less than A;
• not be the  No. 1 student in a subject (exceptions for gym / PDHPE and drama)
• play any instrument other than the piano and violin (and you have to play at least one of either the piano or violin)

As a parent I am balking at this list. Maybe that is because this is not how I was brought up. So, may be our parenting styles tend to reflect those of our parents before us. As a parent I do not want to be that strict. I want Will to be able to take some responsibility for the things he wants to, and chooses to, do. Admittedly, at two-years-old he is going to have less of a say in this.

For us it is more about understanding what learning style will provide the best outcomes. Even at an early age it is easy enough to see that Will is a musical and visual learner. Nevertheless, he loves to read and enjoys acting and role-playing. So, the idea of not allowing him to pursue that seems to be counter-productive.

Then there are personal philosophies that have me believing that sleepovers and social interaction with his peers on his own terms through extra-curricular activities, like sport, and also fundamental to his overall development as a human being.

Parenting is a difficult skill. We are enjoying the ride, but it is certainly a case of learning on the job. It is also a case of trial and error, working through what gets the outcome we want to see and reworking those methods that don't or discarding them altogether.

The point overall, is I am not going to ridicule Chua's style and I am not going to write-off her book as a recollection of how she abused her children's rights, as some have. I am likely to be looking for the book next time I am in the bookstore. Besides, Chua is law professor at Yale...can't argue with that :)

With parenting, ultimately we all want the same outcome: happy, healthy, wise, and well-adjusted young people who contribute to their communities. How we get there, to each their own.

Never Ask A Question If You Do Not Know The Answer...

They teach you this very simple philosophy of advocacy in law school. It seems that they should also teach it to you in media and communications studies programs as well!

There are always exceptions to every rule. There are sometimes as an advocate when in the pursuit of truth you take an educated and calculated risk in asking certain questions. However, for most advocates this would be a lot less frequent than asking questions to which you know the answer to.

A perfect example of this occurred on the Kyle and Jackie O's Lie Detector segment on 2Day FM radio. A mother dragged her 14-year-old daughter onto the show,and Kyle and Jackie O being the ratings hogs that they are decided that this would be a real ratings boost for them. The mother seemingly wanted to shame her daughter into confessing on public radio during a peak hour morning segment to her drug and sexual history.

As a parent, I am not into naming and shaming. It does much more harm than good to a child. That is my personal view and I am sure if there are any readers out there interested in this issue you will undoubtedly be able to find statistics that suggest naming and shaming works.

The girl had told her mother that she had been raped and the mother has not believed her. So, in her infinite parenting wisdom she has decided that taking a lie detector test on a public radio station would clear this whole sordid episode up once and for all.

The girl is 14-years-old! What was the mother thinking? And, more to the point, what were Kyle and Jackie O thinking when they decided to go ahead with this? Discussing a 14-year-old's sex life and drug use on a public radio program appears to me to be in blatant disregard for the rights of the child and the welfare of that child. If Kyle and Jackie O intend hiding behind the fact that the mother gave her approval and the mother is the guardian of the child and has the right to do so, is naive and disingenuous.

It is not rocket science to see that the potential harm here far outweighs any good that might come from the segment. Not everything in life is about ratings and popularity.

The girl clearly did not want to be there and can be heard saying before the questioning starts, "I'm scared ... it's not fair." This should have been a red light to stop the segment then and there. Unfortunately, no one present bar the girl seemed likely to stop.

Then the questioning begins.

The first question was pretty harmless about whether or not the girl had skipped school. Then the questions got to the nitty gritty of why the segment was on in the first place.

The mother asks the daughter, "Have you ever had sex?"

The daughter replies, "I've already told you the story about this ... and don't look at me and smile because it's not funny." At this point, anyone worth their salt would have cut to an advertisement and posed some quick questions to the mother about the story and what was going on here. I guess for some people ratings are more important than the rights and mental health of a child.

After a brief moment the girl then said, "Oh, OK ... I got raped when I was 12-years-old!" If the lead in of the previous question was not enough to shut the segment down, then this statement should have been.

However, after a brief pause, Kyle (Kyle Sandilands) asks, "Right ... is that the only experience you've had?" What an idiot!!! This bloke needs to get slapped around a little bit by regulators, by his station masters, and by the general public. The statement is outrageous!

Then the girls mother jumps in and says she only found out about the rape a couple of months ago. What? Has she reported it? Has she looked at getting her daughter some counselling to try and work through the trauma of being raped as a child? There are some serious issues here all around that need to be addressed relating to the welfare of this particular child.

I wonder whether there is a claim to be made here that the segment amounted to harassment or abuse of a child. Perhaps I feel more strongly about this now that I am a parent, I cannot really say, I have always been a strong supporter of the rights of children. Even as a young boy, I steadfastly refused to let other kids be harassed. One such incident all but ended my cubbing and scouting career when I stood up to the scout master and told him what I thought of his constant harassment of one of my troop members. As I recall it became a bit of an incident at the time.

I hope that in the aftermath of this fiasco that 2Day FM antes up and helps this family get the counselling that they need to deal with the issues that the rape has resulted in, as well as the stupidity of running the segment in the first place. This was hardly the time or place for "The Moment of Truth" to be played out. And, the sexual and drug history of a 14-year-old is hardly suitable material for a live segment on any public platform.

It is certainly a Forrest Gump moment, "stupid is as stupid does!"

Prejudice is Ignorance

I am not sure whether this is an original Michael Jackson quote. However, after Googling it, it seems that it is generally attributed to him.

A title such as this lends itself to a good rant and vent against the ills afflicting this world. It also lends itself to some introspection and reflection on what we have been, what we are, and what we hope to be.

Whether I am remembered at the end of time is immaterial and unimportant to me in the big scheme of things. If I can exit stage left at the end of my life time knowing that I have made a difference in some one's life then I depart this world a success.

I guess this is why I enjoy teaching. Teachers shape the future. Teaching is probably the most influential job in the world after being a parent, as teachers will shape the young minds of the next generation. I reckon that everyone when they think about it can name a teacher that has impacted on their lives in a significant way.

However, this is a post about reflecting on one's self (and perhaps about Michael Jackson) and making changes. Thanks to You Tube I have been able to spend a considerable amount of time watching and listening to Michael Jackson videos. One of my favourite songs is "Man in the Mirror" as it challenges us to understand that changes must first happen with us before we can hope to see change in others.

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a change

The Art of Power Napping

Or is it cat napping? Whatever it is there are vast swathes of cyber space devoted to these short bursts of sleep. Some of these sites purport to be academic, informative, or just plain after your hard-earned cash. However, for me it is the art of synchronizing my sleep patterns to those of Will.

He tends to sleep for a couple of hours and then needs a good feed. A good feed is obviously a very tiring experience as it is followed by more sleep. Thus the pattern repeats. Although, I must say the last couple of days we have had an arrangement where the little fella sleeps in really short bursts of 20-30 minutes. This has serious potential to kill me in a very short period of time. I do not need a lot of sleep but I am not sure that 20-30 minute bursts are my thing either.

Hence the need to learn the power napping skills. I was thinking of looking around, learning a little bit more, and then maybe buying a tape (or the more modern version of a tape, a CD, or more modern still download something to the mp3). However, the last couple of days seems to suggest to me that I have either worked it out or I am just getting more used to the parenting thing.

So much so that I am writing this after one such power nap.

Happy holidays to all. May they be safe and prosperous.

Wet T-Shirt

And the winner is ...

Have a look at the face on this kid. Is he saying, "Hey dad! The score is 1 - 0 to me!"

People With Kids

I notice people with kids much more frequently now. I do not know whether there is a causal link that can be traced to my own pending fatherhood or not, but I am assuming that there must be. I particularly notice parents of kids whose kid is in the midst of a temper tantrum, crying uncontrollably, or other such incidents of typical kid-like behaviours.

I am generally trying to work out how I am going to respond. I guess this is because I am certain that when the Kid is being well-behaved he will be Mommy's boy and when he is acting up he will be Daddy' boy and I will be the one responsible for disciplining the little fella.

I have had plenty of practice with the nieces and nephews and with other people's kids. So, I am quietly confident that I am going to be able to handle the changed sleep patterns and the general lack of sleep. As Big John McCarthy of UFC fame was known to say, "let's get it on!"

Career Criminals In The Making

Here are some statistics that make you wonder about the parenting skills of some Australians. To be fair it might not be the parents per se, it might just be the case that these youngsters are beyond the control of parents who may feel like they have tried everything and still not managed to bring their children into some kind of respectable line.

NSW police are apprehending, on average, more than 50 children per week for sexual and other assaults, theft, armed robbery, drug dealing, and murder. What is even more scary in these statistics is that during the period from 1 January 2005 to 30 September 2007 some 7,724 offences were recorded by children under the age of 10. This is one of those moments where you close your eyes and go, "what?"

The statistics were obtained by News Ltd under a Freedom of Information request and show one murder by a 10-year-old, 1,109 assaults and 141 sexual assaults, including 31 by 8-year olds. At 8 years old I cannot even recall if I was thinking about girls let alone wanting to be involved in a sexual assault. I cannot even remembering wanting to assault anyone at that age. I mean the closest I might have come to an assault conviction could have been a punch up or two in high school. But most of the violence I was involved in was good wholesome fun on the rugby field and this was generally referred to as a crunching tackle.

Yet, the craziness continues as the statistics also highlight that there were 584 driving offences, of which 113 were by 8-year olds.

The question is what to do about this worsening juvenile crime wave as for those that are aged of 10 might get a Children's Court date which for first time offenders generally results in a slap on the wrist (this is the case for second and third time offenders as well depending on the offence).

However, for those under the age of 10 the current practice is to call in the parents, lecture the child on the evil of their ways and where this type of conduct will lead them and then release them back into the custody of their parents. Sometimes the Department of Community Services (DoCS) might become involved. Yet, DoCS are woefully under-funded and under-staffed as some of their more recent and public failings highlight.

Former Children's Court magistrate Barbara Holborow said, "I don't know whether it's because so many parents are working by necessity, loss of parents' rights, poor discipline at home or whatever, but something is wrong," ya think? no kidding!

25 Reasons Why You Owe Your Mother...

Something that came into my inbox today which I thought was worth sharing!

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Naming & Shaming

A recent report in New South Wales (that's in Australia for my international visitors not familiar with my history) by a State Parliamentary Committee has rejected calls for the naming and shaming of juvenile offenders. This is a good move!

The issue must revolve on whether there are any identifiable long-term benefits from naming and shaming juvenile offenders, and if there is not then why change the current practice of protecting the identities of offenders. The second issue that must be considered is whether there is any additional justice for the victims of crime in seeing the juvenile offender named and shamed.

Finally, perhaps we need to ask ourselves why we want to name and shame juvenile offenders? Is it to punish the offender or is it to embarrass the parents of the offender by highlighting that they must be bad parents and have done a poor job because the child has turned out to be a criminal? If it is to shame the parents then this is the wrong approach!

Some parents try really hard to be good parents and some times it just does not work out for them no matter how hard they try. Some parents may in fact just be bad parents in terms of they do not have the necessary parenting skills to be a good parent...perhaps more government money at parent training might be an option.

The general belief is that naming a child offender will increase the likelihood of re-offending. Nevertheless, this might need to be balanced against the vindication that victims of crime might feel in seeing the perpetrator of the crime against them named. However, it is worth noting that the use of victim conferencing has been successful as the format allows for victims to directly confront the perpetrator of that crime.

In any event this is an argument that is likely to rage on as juveniles continue to commit crimes from the petty to the serious. Yet, the current law prevents anyone under 18 years of age being identified.